I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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