So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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