youre lurking in front of me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
