I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to calm my uterus...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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