you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
