I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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