I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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