She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
