Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just threw up on my dentist
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
