Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
