Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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