A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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