Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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