Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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