Plan B is the new Plan A
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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