How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
