how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
