just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
