I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
