a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
