how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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