i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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