She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
