i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
