She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
