my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
