My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
