Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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