Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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