Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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