i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
