my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just threw up on my dentist
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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