I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
