You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
True strength comes from lack of pants
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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