He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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