you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
