I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
