woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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