I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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