he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
