I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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