Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
