Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
