Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
