tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
