i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
