So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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