I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need moral support for this bender
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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