last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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