I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
